9 One Step Closer

A couple of days later, Jon was talking to himself when he started thinking of Richie again, and Dorothea for that matter.


But I love her
yeah, but you love Richie too, and just the same
But I loved Dot first
You just never realized how much you actually love Richie too. Yes you love Dorothea, but times change, you see other things 
But Richie’s my brother, I love him, but not like he does me. We’re just friends. 
Just friends that have no problem kissing each other, touching each other, having moments if you will, in front of tens of thousands of people at a time. Seems like more than “just friends” to everyone except for apparently you 
That was all in the moment, in the show, it was just joking around. It didn’t mean anything. 
It didn’t once, but what about now? Saying it didn’t implies that it does now. It has for awhile, you’ve just been too blind to see it 
How could I have done something that would mean anything to me if I don’t know it does? 
Subconscious. Everyone does things subconsciously when they aren’t consciously ready to face it. 
I didn’t do that though. 
Yes, you did. Everyone does it. Face it. You’re in love with Richie and have been for some time, you’re only just now starting to realize it 
Of course I love him, but not like that. I don’t. He’s my friend, that’s it. I’m not gay. 
You kissed him back. You willingly cuddled up with him. You wanted to do more, and would’ve too if it wasn’t for him being in stitches. You liked being close with him. 
But.... I love my wife. What am I supposed to do? 
I know you do, but you’ve been falling for Richie for some time, you just never saw it. Everyone else did, you just ignored it and filed it away as something else. If you give in to how you feel about Richie, Dorothea would understand. So would the kids. Richie’s always been part of the family to them, and it wouldn’t be overly hard for them to adjust. 
Jon sighed.  I really do love him don’t I?Yes we do. We always have in a way.  But even if it’s true, and I do love Richie, what am I supposed to do? I don’t want to get a divorce. What about Dot? The kids? 
We’ll figure that out when we get there. First step is admitting things to Richie. It’ll be rough if we decide to file for divorce, but Dorothea will understand. So will the kids. Dorothea knows you love Richie, even if you’re still not quite at that realization for sure yourself yet, she knows, and she’d understand. Yes, you’d both still be hurt, but time heals all wounds or so they say. 
And the kids? I love my family, I don’t want to break it apart. Especially with Jake and Romeo still being young. Steph and Jesse are older and might not be as affected, but they still will be
But don’t you want to be happy? I know we’re happy with the family as it is, but when you finally come around to accepting that you do love Richie in that way, will you still be happy? 
I.... I think so. Wouldn’t I?
We wouldn’t be as happy and we’d live in the world of constant “what if?” ‘s. You need to decide. If you’d listen to me, then we’d be more on our way to being happier 
I don’t know. I need more time. 
Then take some. It’s all here for you to organise and go over again and again until you still don’t know what you’re going to do
Thanks. I’ll do that

Jon shook his head and walked over to the window, looking out over the city.

Seriously, did I just lose an argument with myself? About myself? 
Yes you did
Shut up. 

****more days later****

Jon phoned Richie in the morning, which was pretty much afternoon, at least he had just woken up. "Hey Jon." Richie answered, sounding bored. "Hey, how's everything going?" Jon asked. "It's going alright, healing up nicely." "Yeah? Having fun with your nurse? Talker her into anything yet?" Jon urged. "She's too scary." Surprised, Jon answered. "You're not making a move on her?" Usually Richie took any chance he got to make a move on a girl. "My affections are elsewhere." Richie reminded him. "I still haven't figured out." Jon said. "I talked to Dot." "No pressure Jon." Richie reminded him of that too. "How did that go?" "She expected it." "Really?" The honest surprise was apparent in his voice. "Just like everyone, she knew too, everyone knows you love me." Jon said annoyed like he had been when he talked to his wife. "And you do now too." "I would have liked to know a little sooner, like everyone that's known for thirty years." He complained. "I don't think everyone else has known that long. Pretty sure only I have." "Still they all knew and they all seem to know what I should do and I don't." Jon sighed. "No one else can tell you what to do, we all know you're the boss. You listen to yourself after you think everything to death. I know what I want you to do, but I can't tell you what you should do." Richie said. "I'm not sure yet, everyone else has decided already." Jon continued to complain.

"I wouldn't say that exactly. But it doesn't matter what the rest of us think, it's up to you and no one else." He tried to be encouraging for his best friend even though he hoped for the right answer. "It's hard." Jon sighed again. Richie felt guilty for telling him in the first place and therefor putting him in this situation. "I'm sorry." "No, it's fine." Jon waved it off. "I think it would just be really great to come visit you and talk some more, think stuff over." "Save me from my scary nurse?" Richie asked hopeful. Jon chuckled. "Yeah maybe."

"My hero." Richie said, hoping it would make Jon laugh again. But Jon just chuckled. It still made Richie smile. "When do you plan on visiting?" "Thursday, concert Friday, do you want to come watch?" Jon asked. "Of course I do." "Great, so do I get to stay at your place or should I just check in at the hotel with everyone else?" Jon wondered. "Of course you can stay at my place." "Ask you nurse to prepare a guest room?" "I can." Richie said disappointed, he would rather share his room and his bed.

"Up to you, your house." Jon tried to hint.
"No, you're the guest, it's you that should be made comfortable." Richie insisted.
"I would even be comfortable if you kick me on the couch."
But what about my bed? "I wouldn't do that to you." Richie told him.

Jon groaned annoyed. "Would you  just say you want me in your bed?!"
Richie grinned. "I'd love to have you in my bed. I didn't say it because I didn't want to push you. I promised I wouldn't." He explained.
"Then say it now."
"I want you in my bed Jon." He said really, really, really happy.
"Good, I'll consider it." Jon teased.

"I'll think about it more later w hen I get the stitches out."
"What?" Jon asked confused.
But Richie didn't answer him.
"What??"
"You'll figure it out."
"No tell me." Jon demanded.
"Where's the fun in that?"
"Tell me or I'll just stay at the hotel." He threatened.
"Oh alright." Richie gave in. "I get my stitches out today, so I'll be able to think about you in my bed and do something about it."
"Oh well... Keep it clean 'cause we have to share that bed in a few days."
Richie chuckled. "I can't make any promises. The sheets'll get changed if I do."
Jon rolled his eyes. "Can't control yourself for a few more days?"
"Doubt it. It's been ages since I could've done anything."
"What if..." Jon hesitated. "I promise to do something about it?"
"If you promise, then I can behave myself until then."
"Guess I can't back out of that one anymore now." Jon said.
"I'm holding you to that promise."

"Okay, I'll stick to it, I promise." Jon promised.
"You'd better."
"I will, I just said I will... We're just gonna sleep in your bed right?" Jon asked unsure.
"If that's what you want, then we'll just sleep in my bed, with cuddling of course." Richie said sure of himself.
"Okay, but we can also not cuddle?"
"If that's what you'd rather, then alright." He answered, sounding opposed to the idea.
Jon completely missed it. "Yeah?" Thinking Richie agreed with what he's thinking.
"I promise I wouldn't push, so if that's what you want, then yes."
"That's great. " Jon said a little excited.
"Yeah." Richie said, just looking forward for Jon to be there, but not being a fan of the no cuddling rule.

"You're not excited?" Jon asked disappointed and confused.
"You said we're just sleeping, and can't even cuddle." Richie was disappointed and a little hurt in the heart.
"No, I meant we could do something instead of cuddling."
"But you said just sleeping." Richie said confused.
"No, I asked if we could not cuddle. I was trying to get you to say more but you didn't, so I thought you were thinking the same."
"I promised not to push you, and you’ve been so unsure, I was just going to be content to hold you and sleep if need be. But I do love the idea of... something else."
"I kinda need you to push me." Jon said honestly.
"I’ll do that when you’re here, don’t doubt that now."
Jon nodded. "Okay." He already started mentally preparing for it. "But you won't push too much right?"
"If you tell me to stop, I will."
"Okay, good." Jon agreed.
"Hopefully a lot better than that for you."
"Maybe, you know I'm still not promising anything right?" Jon asked to be sure.
"I know, but you're curious, and I'm more than happy to help you out."
"Thanks, only a few more days now."

Richie glanced at the clock.

"I should go soon, stitches out soon."
"Great, you can get a hard on again." Jon teased him.
"Damn straight." Richie chuckled.
"You're not gonna wait for me?"
"I'll try."
"Take some more anti-hard on pills." Jon told him.
"If I must." Richie sighed, really not wanting to keep using them.
"Just don't mixed them with the other ones."
"No worries on that, clearly labeled bottles."
"Don't think of me then, I'm viagra you know."
"I do know, I believe me, I know." Richie said.
"I guess you do, guess Dot doesn't think so anymore now." Jon said sadly.
Richie got hit with lots of guilty feelings. "I'm sorry."
"Me too."
Richie sighed, blaming himself.
"But if Dot doesn't think so, I'll have you, right?" He asked.
"You'll always have me."
"I know, but that way too then? If I make my choice and Dot won't love me anymore."
"You have me whichever way you want me. Part of her will always love you anyway Jon."
"Yeah." Jon agreed. "But not in that way anymore.
"But you'll still be loved."
"Not in that way, by her, but by your."
"I've always loved you like that." Richie reminded him.
"I know, maybe I can learn to love you like that too."
"Maybe." Richie agreed and smiled hopeful.
"We'll see."
"Guess we will." Richie looked up when his scary nurse knocked on his door. "I gotta go, scary nurse is to take me to the hospital to get the stitches out."
"How fun for you, let me know how it went?"
"Of course. See you in a few days."
Jon smiled. "Yeah, see you soon."

As he hung up, Jon was sure, he heard Richie say, "I love you."

Jon set up a text message and texted him.

1.26 pm I heard that

Richie smiled and texted back.

1.28 pm Good, cause I mean it
1.29 pm I know, I'm trying, okay?
1.30 pm I know, it counts for something.

Richie left with his scary nurse.

1.32 pm Have fun getting stitches removed, let me know how it goes. I'm gonna go get pretty for the concert.

Once in the car, Richie texted him back.

1.40 pm You're always pretty ;)

Jon rolled his eyes and went to work.